I’m going to say something controversial and I don’t care who I offend. This new generation has gotten soft. In my day if you wanted to get it on with a cute dame from across the way, by golly you put your boots on, walked over, and rang the doorbell. I remember when I was first courting my dear Martha. Sure I was nervous to knock on the door knowing her father was there. He answered the door and asked me what my intentions were with his daughter right away. I said: “Sir, my name is Harold, and I very much like your daughter and am here to go out for a wonderful evening and prove to you I am the right man for her.” That evening we got a bite at a lovely diner down the way, enjoyed a jaunt at the roller rink, and finished by splitting a milkshake down at the local icebox social. At the end we shared a tender kiss. It was one of the best nights of my life. After experiencing that night, we walked to the front door where her father said: “thank you for that wonderful evening together. I give you permission to take my daughter out next time.”
Kids today don’t understand that kind of romance and will stop at the slightest inconvenience. That’s why those nerds aren’t getting laid anymore. There is nothing that would stop me from my Martha, not even these 5 geological features:
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#5: The Amazon River
At 6,400km long, the world’s largest river by volume is nothing to shake a stick at. Martha has this game she likes us to play in the bedroom sometimes. I am renowned Latin explorer: Gabriel Rodriguez. Martha roleplays as herself, a younger version of her on vacation to Brazil. She needs to enter the heart of the Amazon, but without me as her guide, she would fail hopelessly. We pretend to hack and slash our way through the jungle, eventually Martha pretends to fall and I catch her. We lock eyes. Time stands still. We kiss. We then proceed to make love right there on the jungle floor. I would cut through any jungle to have just a single moment with my Martha.
#4: Darvaza Gas Crater
Colloquially known as the “Gates to Hell” (coincidentally how Martha referred to me carrying her across the threshold on our wedding night), this geological feature is nothing to shake a stick at. Famously started when scientists lit the hole on fire to burn up all the leaking gas, like a Chanukah miracle, the hole continued to burn for decades. Kind of like my stomach after Martha’s “5 Alarm” chili. Sure it goes down rough, but I would endure the burn for my lovely Martha.
#3: Remains of Blockbuster Video
With the highest number of crack-heads per square foot of any 90s retailer, Blockbuster Video is nothing to shake a stick at. Kids today have no idea. There was no “Netflix and Chill” in our day, we had “Blockbuster and lucky to get an over the pants handy”. One evening after coming back from her salsa class, Martha suggested we rent a movie. Knowing what that was code for, I hurried down to my local Blockbuster and rented “The Mask of Zorro” starring Antonio Banderas at her request (one of her favourite actors, in addition to Mario Lopez, and Andy Garcia). Well seeing all that sword fighting must have got her going because we made passionate love that night while I wore the Zorro mask Martha had gotten me for my birthday. Take notes kids, this is how you do romance.
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#2: Vinicuna (Rainbow Mountains of Peru)
At 5,000m above sea level these mountains are nothing to shake a stick at. At these altitudes oxygen becomes scarce and starts to impact your movements and memory. That however, didn’t stop me from taking my sweet Martha on vacation. We hiked for days with our Latin guide, Humberto Imenez, who made sure we were safe. He was even so kind to stay back and spend extra time and attention with Martha to ensure she was taken care of while I hiked ahead.
I think I may have overdone it that day because the lack of oxygen got to me. I passed out for a full day after drinking this herbal tea Humberto gave me. When I awoke, I admit I felt refreshed. He must have given Martha some too because I’ve never seen her happier and more relaxed. That’s the power of hard work I guess, something this new generation is lacking.
#1: Marianas Trench
At over 10,000m deep these gentlemen are nothing to shake a stick at, not to mention the horrors of the deep sea around them. Every time I think about the depths, I am reminded of that Pixar movie where that little guy doesn’t have a great relationship with his father and gets taken away from his home. That old man really should have checked before releasing all those balloons. Martha always says that movie is too sad for her because she wishes she was dead like the wife. How sweet of her to wish herself dead rather than to die after me and bear the heartache knowing I was gone. I don’t care what’s down in that trench I would swim to the bottom and back for my dear Martha.
I want a divorce Harold