We all have friends known for their hybristophilia, or penchant for the rebellious outlaw. Whether it’s the girl who likes a little OJ with their Simpson, those Chris Brown-eyed girls, or the more recent P-Diddyphiles, they just can’t resist a bad boy. Now a lot of us may instinctively scorn at such preferences, but this reporter believes a simple kink can actually go beyond liking the flashy dancers who make their girlfriends lives flash before them. So, we took to the streets of New York and surveyed women from Wall Street to Columbia University and asked how history’s greatest villains rank in capturing their hearts, like they captured their political enemies. Before you conclude these are the distasteful musings of an incel determined to disparage women for their universal proclivity to date abusive thugs rather than an educated, romantic and mediterranean looking gentle man, I’ll ask you to keep an open mind. To set the theme, let’s use the words of the great feminist Marlyn Monroe, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” So we’ll explore the best of these dictators, rather than their worst.
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8. Adolf Hitler
We’ve all heard the common phrase, “I’m a sucker for a man in uniform.” While not the most attractive dictator in our list based on looks alone, Adolf Hitler and his army adopted, and probably to this day maintain the title for sexiest military uniforms in the world. Known for his fearlessness and consistency Hitler would gladly fight two wars and two fronts to get the Braun for his brain. But if being a decorated world war one veteran with an eye for style doesn’t make you smile, then perhaps his sensitive side will. And, if your picturesque evening is taking your dog for a walk after coming home from a somewhat guilt free vegetarian dinner, then Hitler might just be the apple strudel you want to canoodle. But, if dining out on soups and salads with this Bavarian Aryan still isn’t enough to let him Blitzkrieg your Belgium, then perhaps you want the more artistic type. Although Hitler may have failed to get into art school, his painting prowess may be enough for you to whisper, “draw me like one of your conquered French girls.” Overall, Hitler may have been able to take Paris in five weeks while winning brownie points with the animal rights enthusiasts, his non-ironic Charlie Chaplain mustache and side parted hairstyle keep him down at number 8. Maybe if he was 6’ 5” blue eyes, finance, he’d have been sitting comfortably in the top 5.
7. Mao Zedong
For anyone who finds the bond-villain vibe sexy, you’re going to love Mao Zedong. Nothing says large and in charge like a bare, unadorned uniform, while leading the largest political uprising in history. This college boy went from leading campus protests to leading the People’s Republic of China and its 500 million people, almost ten times that of its closest rival, the BTS fanbase known as ARMY. So you leave those medals and ribbons to the gaudy North Koreans, Modest Mao didn’t put a rank on it, so go ahead and put some stank on it. Now I can already tell you’re all thinking, China?, aren’t they just like those communist democrats who can never get anything done, of course yes, but social justice warrior type college girls need love too, except for maybe the ugly or lesbian ones. So if leading reforms to allow women to work, divorce and marry as they please doesn’t make you want to take the great leap forward into discovering Mao’s Ze’Dong, well then he might actually force you to re-read his essays until you do. His pure scale and SJW hero status are strong movers, but the winnie the pooh look can only take you so far as 7.
6. Barack Hussein Obama
That’s right, that’s the full name, even though fake news tried to cover it up. You may be asking how Obama makes it on this list given the tan suit debacle of 2014? Turns out, the urban community, progressives, and even this reporter’s ex-wife all hoped Obama would change in front of them. Hell, many would cheer just to watch him use his broad shoulders to pick up a sledgehammer. Then use it to smash the pillars of our once flawless healthcare system based on the free market principals of a great American, Adam Smith. The truth is we always preferred an underdog story, about the marginalized, tyrannised, and repressed making it out on top. And although Obama persecuted all these people for simply being patriots, he was tall, dark, and handsome while doing it. So, despite being the greatest threat to our democracy since the British, some of his qualities are considered attractive. Therefore, his athletic build, basketball player height, and charms of an exotic foreigner earn him 6th place in our list.
5. Kim Il Sung
Unlike those boring plane jane communists in China, here’s a revolutionary with some kimchi level kick that’ll make you want to know if Kim Il Sung is hung. They say confidence is sexy, if that’s true, then deciding to face the United States after it just won the second world war single-handedly is as sexy as it gets. Even though all you good trad-wifes out there will hate, because he fought the United States, he was also technically fighting those globalists from the United Nations, so he’s kind of also our guy. But back to the question at hand, how big was he? The only real evidence we have about his proportions is the life size statue of him in Pyongyang, which stands at 66 feet tall, the approximate size of a seven story building, a mature oak tree, or about eleven people of average height of five foot nine inches stacked on top of each other. What we do know is he was bold, he fought the law, and he was very likely the largest human to traverse our planet since the Annunaki. Being a rebel with a cause while height mogging the entire human species rockets you up to as far as five. But if your head is always up in the clouds, how’s a girl going to believe herself when she says, “I know he started prison camps for families, but I can change him.”
4. Julius Caesar
Assertive, brooding, unbound sexual intensity, these are the descriptions only attributed to the likes of Julius Caesar and our longtime plumber Humberto Jimenez. Not simply another high-value man, Caesar also has that classic Italian style and appeal. So if your perfect date is good food, good wine, and good conversation about how the senators have Caesar derangement syndrome, you’re gonna love this Triumvirate. While only a dictator in the sense that he wasn’t afraid to use violence to take control of the capital, liberal academic institutions have always used this to tarnish the reputation of history’s classiest leaders. Caesar may have consolidated wealth and power for himself and his family, but he also cared about the working man. Caesar organized the types of fighting spectacles in the capital that let the regular guy know, “he’s really one of us.” Sadly, his efforts to make Rome great were ended by a treacherous attack from the deep state, which ultimately led to the empire’s collapse 1,500 years later. A great horseman, last of the republicans, and a penchant for opulence and gold, had Celopatra screaming, “veni, veni, veni” however he only crosses the Rubicon to 4th place here.
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3. Napoleon Bonaparte
Don’t worry short kings, Napoleon proves you don’t have to be tall and jacked to get girls so long as you can fake a French accent. However in addition, Napoleon was also highly intelligent, youthful, and maintained the type of relationships you’d only read in romance novels. Boy becomes general in the French army at 24, boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy leaves wife 36 hours later to conquer Italy and writes letters of desperation and frustration until she decides to join him in Milan. A tale as old as time that never disappoints. Assertive and daring, Napoleon’s military tactics were much like his bedroom prowess, preferring to use his canons in passionate, yet quick and decisive actions before hearing the cries of the victory trumpet. The truth is dressing in funny European clothes, enjoying chocolate croissants, and overly dramatic letters of affection appeal to that inner most French part of every woman that says “I don’t know what I want.” While all these traits have most wanting to say Bonjour to this boner-party, you need more to get past third place.
2. Fidel Castro
This Cuban Casanova is perhaps the epitome of irresistibility while also whispering sexy Spanish nothings in your ear. Fidel Castro has everything you want in a Latin lover, a tropical island, a six foot three former convict, with the level of magnetism that had women from first ladies to would-be assassins wanting to Mambo with this Cuban Rambo. Known for his commanding presence and moving speeches he could have the most distinguished snow-bunnys saying “can I get you another cigar daddy?” Now I know it seems like this reporter is exaggerating, like when international terrorist Michael Moore broadcast how “great” the Cuban healthcare system is, but I’m not. In fact, when a would-be assassin made it to Castro’s bedroom and was handed a pistol, they pulled down his pants instead of pulling the trigger. But what really sets Castro apart is how he could rizz at scale. Essentially this tall, athletic Don Juan aura farmed so hard during the revolution that many are still simping, keeping Cuba from crashing out to this very day. With his tall build, power, and enough charm to have almost any woman wanting to diffuse his Cuban missile crisis, Fidel Castro sits comfortably in our top 2.
1. Joseph Stalin
Now I know what you’re thinking, “I know he killed more communists than anyone else in history, but what else makes him attractive?” First of all, he killed way more communists, but he is also clearly the most handsome in our list. Let’s be real, of all the pictures here, this is the only one you’d swipe right to. Starting with that raging ocean of wavy hair, too turbulent to touch, yet too hypnotic to look away. Then his neat yet expressive eyebrows, the gates to his eyes that trap you like a gulag you never want to leave. The light stubble indicates a rugged man too busy organizing an industrial revolution to shave every day. His wool overcoat perfectly draws you to a chic neckerchief you wish you could pull off, only to look back into Stalin’s eyes which tell you, “don’t even think about it.” Despite his bank robber beginnings, super villain status, with the military muscle to back it up, leading communism’s biggest glow up ever, and all his other physical traits, none of that is even needed for Stalin to make it to first place. Truly the hair and drip alone makes you want to say “let’s close this Iron Curtain so I can see your Kremlins.”