The only thing that can dry out the wet season in Phuket faster than talking about your scotch-whisky collection, is running out of money. I wanna help you stay in the black, while staying under the red lights of Thailand’s entertainment district. Spending years navigating the seedy underbelly of Thailand’s nightlife has taught me many things that I can now pass on to the next generation of Thai-guys. Let’s get going and make sure your bonus gets used on boning and not you owing.
5. Direct Access
A lot of people get caught up in all the bureaucracy of the massage shop procedural rigmarole. Should I ask? How do I ask? Why are the fees higher than my short term rental cleaning fees? Don’t over complicate it, talk to a pretty massage maven and ask if they would be willing to meet after work. This works a hundred percent of the time, and you will get a much better rate this way. The added benefit is you get to feel like you are picking up your girlfriend after a long day at work. Sometimes they’ll complain about all the dicks they had to deal with, so it’s just like having a regular girlfriend but she is only expecting about 2k Baht, not an Erewhon smoothie as well.
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4. Go Big so you don’t go home
Withdrawing in small increments won’t help you spend less on bargirls, it just means more walks to the ATM and more fees. At 500 Baht a pop, those fees are nothing to shake a stick at. This trip was planned for mongering, and that’s just what you’ll do, but one of these days these fees are going to shock you as they accrue. So don’t be a sucker, be a suckee, and withdraw all the cash planned on your entertainment and use those savings to settle your cravings.
3. Don’t get Robbed, Celebrate instead
Well here’s a story all too common: boy meets bargirl, boy asks her to meet after work, both go to the hotel and start getting busy, great, but oh wait, I need to pee now but don’t trust her alone with my stuff lying around. A tale as old as time. You end up rushing a decision like, “I’ll trust this one, I think she really likes me.” So you excuse yourself to the bathroom and come back to realize all your stuff is gone because she was all about the Baht and now you’re in trouble. What if I said you can have your cake and eat her out too, just make her clap as you go to the bathroom. This way, you know she isn’t picking through your pants, plus she’s not going anywhere. I know what you’re thinking, why not just handcuff her to the bed. Well, despite being the seedy underbelly of Southeast Asia, Thailand has laws. So unless the handcuffs were a pre-established kink prior to you needing to pee, you may get charged with kidnapping. And the only thing worse than going to a Thai prison is going to a Thai prison on a technicality. Besides, the clapping also feels like encouragement and dovetails perfectly with my favourite kink, “good little boy” roleplaying.
2. No frills, just get your thrills
Another simple trick to keep you from feeling like a mark is avoiding massage parlours altogether. People tend to be so traditional and feel they need to start there in order to find a girl. Well Thailand isn’t an episode of “Leave it to Beaver,” so you can find plenty of those if you hit up designated Perve Parlours. No beating around the bush (unless that’s what you are into), just a no frills experience, with all of the VIP benefits you want, without the dog and pony show you have to go through at the Massage parlour.
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1. No Thai for love
Finally, and this one goes out to all you Passport bros out there, never ever fall in love. Stay focused king. It’s always better to have gooned and lost, than ever to have loved at all. Whether you’re on the shores of Phuket, or a pretentious gentlemen’s club in Nevada, don’t ever believe you’re there to do anything other than exchange money for some honey. I’ve seen too many brethren fall victim to a woman’s lying charms. Whether it’s the overly friendly bargirl feigning interest in your job, the massage minx asking you how often you work out, or your colleague who wore that low cut champagne shirt just to impress you, they will all scream and call the police if you show up at their home unannounced.